What do chapped lips, pants that won’t stay up, and a runny nose all have in common? They all can send me into a tailspin. I don’t know exactly what it is about these three things but I do know that if I experience them repeatedly within a short period of time I start to feel more dysregulated, irritable, and reactive. I have been known to snap at people and overreact in these moments. I once remember being so on edge because my lips were so chapped and I didn’t have chapstick that I got very cranky with my sister. She lovingly teased me that chapped lips shouldn’t have that much of a reaction, and she was right. This was a time when I was not taking care of myself. I wasn’t sleeping enough, eating well, or dealing with complex relationship dynamics. All in all, my ability to tolerate small things like having chapped lips was at an all time low.
I want to preface this blog post by saying that not all stressful experiences are equal. If you have experienced trauma throughout your life, your ability to be resilient may be depleted. It may take additional resources and external support to help with the process. Our hope is to help you understand what resilience is and why it is important. If we can understand how resilience plays a factor in our ability to tolerate and rebound from stressful experiences we can also identify ways to improve our ability to be resilient.
What is resilience?
Resilience is the ability to tolerate and rebound from stressful situations. If you are resilient you are able to experience a situation, conversation, or negative event and the impact is lessened compared to a non-resilient person. Aspects of resilience are predetermined by your genetics and your upbringing. It is important to realize that we are impacted by our histories and experiences. Being resilient does not mean that you never experience stress or terrible things, it simply means you have the foundation and tools to be able to overcome it and move on with your day.
The concept of resilience is a double edged sword. On one hand resilience denotes strength and being well-adjusted. On the other hand, resilience is often used to describe people or communities who face issues that are beyond their control. We often say “they are so resilient” about children who have been dealt a very hard and unfair hand; maybe dealing with poverty, abuse, or other traumas, but who seem to be doing “ok”. As a culture Black women often get called resilient or strong because they have to work to overcome systems of oppression, racism, and bias all while taking care of their families. The point I want to make is that we can and should talk and think about resilience, and we also need to evaluate if what we or others are being resilient against is a systemic issue. SImply equipping ourselves and others with the tools to be resilient and manage the stressors and traumatic systems we are a part of isn’t enough, we need to work to change them.
There are several components of resilience: making meaning, connection with others, emotional awareness, emotional regulation, and having a sense of purpose. Being able to see the bigger picture and make meaning of challenging situations and daily stressors (not trauma like violence, abuse, or racism) helps us see how we can move through it. Having emotional awareness and the skills to regulate and manage our emotions is crucial in responding to and handling stress. By connecting with others and our community we not only gain support and cheerleaders, we can connect to our purpose. All of which allow for a more effective response to stressful situations.
Resilience in Caregiving
As caregivers you are likely dealing with stressful situations and conversations regularly. Caregivers pour their energy and love into caring for their loved one and this can leave us feeling depleted. Let’s run through a scenario.
You don’t live with the loved one you care for. It is the middle of the work week. You are working your full time job and it’s about two in the afternoon. You are feeling tired and hungry. You didn’t have time for lunch but plan to eat an early dinner when you get home. Your phone rings. It is your loved one. They need help at their home and it’s something that must be done today after work. You agree to go over there after you finish work at 4pm. You get there and they are full of questions and needs. They are asking you for help with things that are on the surface easy, and you have explained them before. You do it again anyways. You actively are trying to be patient, but all you want is dinner and to go home. You had things you needed to do tonight, too. You’re getting ready to leave and your loved one says, “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you for the past week or so but keep forgetting. I keep getting dizzy when I stand up and I fell the other day.” At this point, you lose it. You roll your eyes, you say “Are you kidding me? Why didn’t you call me right away?!”, and you raise your voice. Your loved one looks genuinely stunned and sad by your reaction. They start to downplay how they have been feeling. Now you feel worse than you did before and you’re still starving.
This is a classic situation that I think many of us can relate to. The details may be different, but the general theme is there. We don’t take care of ourselves and then we get thrown into caregiving at unexpected times, and we don’t always handle it how we want to. We end up feeling terrible and our loved one feels like a burden. It’s hard. It’s terrible. And it can be prevented.
Now what?
When we increase our awareness of what resilience means and how our choices can either positively or negatively impact our ability to be resilient we can make purposeful choices to improve our ability to manage and rebound stressful situations.
Next week we’ll be publishing a follow up post: Small Changes to Build Resilience. Check back for more!
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