For years, when I talk to young people who are caring for their loved ones, most often their parents, I hear similar stories. Stories of compassion, caring, love, support, and empathy. Young caregivers have a great capacity to take on tasks far above and beyond those that their peers are taking on. Bathing, feeding, toileting, and helping with medication administration, coordinating medical appointments, managing finances, coordinating other services like meal delivery or lawn care – the list goes on. It’s admirable, inspiring, and at times – heartbreaking.
As a former young caregiver myself, and someone who has a wide network of other current and former young caregivers, I know the challenges that come with spending your childhood and young adulthood providing care for a parent.
The fact is that having young people play a major role in providing care for a parent is controversial. Some folks see the sacrifice and find hope in a younger generation who is selflessly giving for their loved ones. And it is true that some caregivers find their role rewarding. But the flip side of this includes experiences from young caregivers including an increased risk of negative health outcomes, including depression and anxiety, stress, and increased feelings of isolation. More than half of caregivers report a decline in their health, which in turn compromises their ability to provide care.
When I hear from adults who are concerned about the impact that young caregiving can have on young people, I often think of the term “parentification” – or “parent-child”.
The idea of the parent-child was first introduced in the late 1960s when psychologists who were studying family structure in urban areas. At the time, there was a particularly high rate of single motherhood, incarceration, and drugs. This often resulted in children who were forced to take on tasks like childcare, managing finances, and being the emotional glue holding the family together.
In 1967, the term “parentification” was introduced to describe this phenomenon by a family systems theorist Salvador Minuchin. By 1974, Minuchin further described parentification as the violation of the boundary between parent and child that results in a disrupted hierarchy within the family system. Since then, psychologists have documented this idea of parentification in cultures around the world – including everything from the impact it has on young people and the consequences it can have for adults.
There are two types of parentification that we typically discuss
- Instrumental parentification is a relationship that is focused on providing support for tangible or physical tasks that are not considered age appropriate (like a child helping with bathing or toileting their parent)
- Emotional parentification is managing the emotional equilibrium in the household – a child takes on soothing their parents, calming them down, avoiding outbursts, and more.
Caregivers and those who know caregivers can typically identify with this idea pretty quickly. Former parentified children often show up as the friend who is always available and says yes to everything. They seem weighed down by things, but manage to take care of everything without asking for any help in return. They tend to develop an internal radar system that is constantly scanning for roles that need to be filled at work, at home, in their friendships. From a young age, the parentified child tends to learn that they can smooth things over and solve problems by doing the psychological work for others. Parentified kids learn ways of intuitively knowing what their parents need – often in an emotional sense – in order for everyone to survive.
As a result of the parentification they experienced as a child, these individuals often don’t develop the same ability to tend to or express their own emotional or physical needs. They often fear the idea of others finding out they are struggling, and may feel shame about their feelings. This can lead them to develop a false sense of self. At it’s most extreme, this can lead people to cut themselves off emotionally – denying themselves the opportunity to fulfill their own needs. They may feel they are only valued when they are tending to the needs of others. They often struggle with setting healthy boundaries, and may find themselves drawn to toxic or maladaptive relationships – romantically, in friendships, and at work.
If you’re reading this and thinking “Me! That totally describes me!” you’re probably wondering what you can do to heal or unlearn some of the things you have learned.
- Understand what happened and why. For some caregivers, this might be a bit easier to identify than for others. Oftentimes, it’s a direct result of an illness or injury, but it may also be due to mental illness, or parents who were parentified themselves and have continued the cycle. Whatever the reason, allowing yourself to explore this and experience the validity of your own story is a great first step.
- Reparent yourself. This one is tough, but possible. Taking the time to learn new patterns, teaching yourself new ways of relating to others, finding balance, and creating new boundaries can all be important steps. Once you begin this, you can start providing care and from a space that is more about choice and love, and less out of obligation to do so or fear.
- Seek professional help. Learning about parentification, and then healing from the damage that may have been done, is a journey. If you feel overwhelmed by the idea of exploring this idea or healing from it, getting support in a therapeutic environment can be so helpful.
- Repeatedly validate your experience. It will likely take time and practice to develop new ways of caring, boundaries, and more. Continue to validate your experience, allow yourself space.
Not all outcomes of parentification are negative. Many young caregivers, even those who experienced significant challenges in their caregiving experience, do also experience joy. They may find their role rewarding, and they often report high levels of compassion and empathy compared to their peers.
No matter your experience as a young caregiver, it’s all valid. And we’re here to provide support and resources in your journey. We hope you find time and space to honor your journey and your feelings and experience.
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