Last week we shared a blog post titled What is Resilience & Why it Matters. If you haven’t read that one, go back and read that one first. It is the foundation for why the tips and tricks outlined below are important. Our hope is that you can build on your awareness of how your actions can improve your ability to be resilient and move into a state of action.
Resilience Building or Self-Care?
Self-care has been quite the buzzword lately. It is everywhere and I can understand why. It is important to take care of yourself. The problem with the traditional self-care model is that many people don’t engage in self-care regularly and use it as a reactionary strategy for managing stress and overwhelm. When we engage in self-care in a state of dysregulation and depletion we are not able to fully absorb the benefits. Often self-care activities are meant to distract and disengage with others and your feelings. Think of it as trying to put gas into a gas tank that has a hole in it. You can keep filling it and you may get some reserve built up, but it isn’t going to be enough to last any measurable time or distance.
Resilience building is a proactive approach. It is making the purposeful choice each day to take care of yourself. Sometimes these activities are big things and other times they are small actions that make a big difference. Building resilience is about connecting to others, yourself and your emotions, and engaging in daily behaviors that fortify you as an individual and as a caregiver.
You are taking the time to stop and patch the hole in the gas tank rather than just trying to fill it as is.
I have found that engaging in resilience building activities every day has best prepared me to handle the stress and overwhelm of life. When I am taking care of myself each day I can handle the last minute wrench in plans, the husband who doesn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher, or the work phone call that comes at 5pm. These situations still irritate me, but I am able to respond with intention and not react without thought. I have not always been able to do this and I can tell you that it feels much better this way. I don’t have to make nearly as many apologies for overreacting or being unreasonable in my requests.
Resilience Building Strategies
Building resilience takes intention and your willingness to prioritize your needs. If that sentence gives you anxiety or makes you feel uneasy I would recommend that you sit with that and consider why. What is it about taking care of your own needs above or at the same time as others that makes you uncomfortable? What are the messages you believe about people who prioritize themselves and how does that show up in your life?
You may find that it would be beneficial to do the deeper work of building emotional intelligence, learning coping skills, and finding meaning in stressful or traumatic situations. Not only is it crucial that you have a community of family and friends to support that journey, it may be beneficial to get connected to professionals who can support. Therapy may be a great resource or option for you if you find that you are not as resilient as you would like to be. This is also true if you find yourself with limiting beliefs around your worth and a persistent inability to prioritize yourself.
For many caregivers, especially sandwich caregivers who are caring for an older loved one and their own children, it can be very hard to think about how to find the time to incorporate caring for yourself into your day. There are strategies that you can use to evaluate where you can squeeze in resilience building activities.
Have you ever gotten to the end of a day or a weekend and you have no idea what you did, how you passed the time, and it all just feels like a big blur? I have and it makes it very hard to evaluate where and how you can better care for yourself if you aren’t aware of how you are spending your time. If this describes you, consider doing a time study for a few days or up to a week. Write down your rough schedule for the day in time chunks and as you move through your day if you find yourself deviating from the schedule make a note of what you did and for how long. Use tools on your phone that track screen time, app usage, etc. to help understand how you spend time on your phone. After a few days or a week you can begin to see patterns and identify spaces in your day that could be repurposed. Do you spend your evenings on social media? Could that time be better spent elsewhere? Perhaps reading, going to bed early, prepping meals for the next day, or connecting with friends and family.
I have realized that I will pick up my phone out of habit, not intention, during the work day or at times of transition. I will then sit on social media for sometimes 5 minutes sometimes 45 minutes. By the time I’m done I feel a sense of time loss and panic; how will I now get done what I was supposed to be doing during that time and, most often, the thing I cut out is moving my body. The awareness I have around this pattern has allowed me to make a small change. I try not to keep my phone on my desk during my work day. If I have to actively get up and get it I am less likely to lose so much time on social media. This small shift allowed for a big change.
Not all resilience building activities are time consuming. For example, some smaller changes may include:
- Taking a 5 minute break to stand and stretch every hour
- Having water nearby throughout the day so you can stay hydrated
- Swap your celebrity gossip podcast for a personal growth or mindfulness podcast once a week
- Set screen time or digital wellbeing timers on your phone to help regulate phone usage
- Schedule your next social gathering with friends while you are at the current one
- Shift your wording- a personal example, I stopped using the word exercise and started saying “movement”. Is it the same thing, yes. Does it sound less terrible to me, also yes.
- Say “no” to one thing a week that you don’t want to do or can’t do right now. If you need help with setting boundaries like this check out Erin’s blog post on boundaries.
- Asking for help even if you don’t know what you need. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member and say something like this: “I’m not sure what I need right now, but I know I need help. Would you be willing to help me?”. You would be surprised how people will respond and often they have ideas of what has been helpful for them in the past. Say no if an idea doesn’t resonate or feel good for you in the moment and find something that does.
- Set an alarm on your phone to remember to eat meals. Block lunch in your calendar so meetings do not get scheduled over it. Block times for breaks or focus time. Manage your calendar. Don’t let your calendar manage you.
Think of these tasks as a foundation. If you are hungry or tired it is really hard to practice healthy coping skills, find meaning in stressful situations, or live within your values. Snickers was right when they said “you’re not you when you’re hungry”. In fact, there is a concept of HALT in mental health work.
H- hungry
A- angry
L- lonely
T -tired
If you are in a state of HALT, it can be one letter or multiple, then you are likely not in a place to respond well to others or yourself. Consider what is needed to remedy the letter you identify (example, if you are lonely, call or text a friend) and then move through your day in a state that is better prepared to respond well and within your values. So much of building resilience falls into these four areas.
We are issuing you a challenge. What is one thing you can commit to over the next week to help you build your resilience? Make a plan of how you will include this in your schedule. Tag us on Instagram @caregivercollaborative and share your successes with us.
Caregiver, we are here for you. We know how hard caregiving can be. It can feel like there are never-ending sources of stress, demands on your time, and adding resilience building tasks can feel like one more thing to do. Start small and work your way up. The best habits start from small actions done each day with intention and consistency.