Family dynamics can be challenging to navigate. Add in a pandemic and all of the stress we have been under for the past few years and overwhelming doesn’t begin to cover it. Now top it off with being a caregiver for a family member and it can feel next to impossible to navigate the dynamics of your family successfully. Know you are not alone if the idea of spending time with your family causes a spike in anxiety or stress. We are here to help.
There are so many dynamics and norms at play within a family. And, if you’re anything like me, you may not be aware of some of them until someone else comes into your life and asks questions or challenges you on them. An example of this in my own family is around communication. My family is loud. We yell, talk over each other, and interrupt. My husband’s family is the exact opposite: quiet and calm. It didn’t take long for the yelling and energy to get to my husband when he first started coming to large family gatherings. It overwhelmed him and he would shut down and get quiet. I would then get worried and start bugging him about what was wrong or why he wasn’t engaging with my family which didn’t help the situation. After a few gatherings he communicated his observations and shared how it impacted him. I had never noticed how loud and vocal we were as a large group. But he was right and I needed to accept that he was going to take time to adjust and, sometimes, still need to take some breaks or check out for a bit. This example is a small one, but the situation rings true for serious dynamics, norms, and situations. What we may not even notice or what we assume is normal, may not be and there may be alternative ways of handling situations. Your partner or another person who is new to the family may be offering feedback or suggestions that are hard to accept or swallow. I would encourage you to take a step back, slow down, and truly listen to their perspective. Especially if the dynamics in the family are causing them distress.
On the flip side you may be well aware of dynamics within your family that cause stress or tension. I would love to say that this post will act as a magic wand and your family dynamics will be solved. The truth of the matter is it often takes generations and many years to create the dynamics we have in our families and will take time and ongoing energy to address them and, if it’s your goal, to change them. I will be identifying three common dynamics or issues that many families face (even those who aren’t also managing caregiving within a family relationship) and also share strategies for approaching these dynamics differently and in ways that can start to prioritize your own wellbeing and encourage change.
Dynamic: your family is dealing with grief and/or loss
When we are dealing with grief and loss it can be very hard to engage in the same conversations, traditions, or gatherings as you had prior to the loss of your loved one. It brings up a lot of memories and feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. Often when people are dealing with grief and loss they can also be dealing with increased sadness, irritability, anger, , minimizing the situation, withdrawing from others, anxiety, and lack of enjoyment of things they typically do enjoy. It is worth noting that people can begin to experience symptoms of grief and loss even before the loss occurs. Many caregivers report grieving the loss of the loved one they care for even if they are still a part of your life. This is normal and it’s called anticipatory grief. Often the relationship has changed, your loved one may not be able to communicate or share information with you in the same way, and the things you used to do together may no longer be an option. Dealing with grief and loss in a family gets very tricky because no one experiences it the same way, even if the relationship they are grieving was very similar. This can breed resentment and frustration at others or even yourself.
Approaching grief and loss
It sounds cliche but no two people grieve in the same way so compassion and empathy is key when you and/or your family is in a state of grief or loss. It can be very tempting to compare how you are feeling against how others seem to be feeling, or how you felt yesterday. Grief is not a linear experience and it changes often. Allowing yourself the space to feel whatever it is you are feeling that day or in that moment is so important to the healing process. Allow others to grieve in a way that feels genuine to them and resist the urge to sway their feelings.
If you are gathering with other family members, plan ways to honor, celebrate, or connect with whomever you are grieving. It can be through larger events or services or smaller gestures like listening to their favorite music, lighting a candle in their honor, telling stories about them or, if they are still present in your life, telling them your favorite experiences and what you appreciate about them.
Therapy or support groups can be very helpful when dealing with grief and loss. Finding ways to talk about how you are doing and receive support and kindness from others can be a very powerful experience.
Dynamic: Unsolicited advice & questions
Families are made of individuals and often these individuals have a lot of thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Sometimes hearing from others in your family may be really helpful and provide a feeling of support or understanding. There are just as many, if not more, times where hearing the opinions of your family members may feel like judgment, blaming, or doubt; even if we know that isn’t their intention.
If you are a caregiver you likely know all about unsolicited advice and opinions. Well meaning family members may feel like they know what your loved one needs, what medication would be helpful, or how to get your loved one to do something that they may not want to do. If I’m being honest, I’ve been the advice giver. It is an easy trap to fall into and it is typically being done because they care and want to be helpful.
Not only is advice often unsolicited or not helpful, the questions that come your way are often just as bothersome. The questions like “What will happen when or if (fill in the blank)?” or “Are you sure this is what they want?” can be even harder to hear than the advice and suggestions. Questions like this can feel harsh, judgmental, and even inappropriate.
Approaching unsolicited advice & questions
If you find yourself in this situation there are a few strategies you can try depending on the situation, the person you are talking to, and the outcome you hope to achieve. First of all, you have the right to change the subject, ask them to talk about something different, or remove yourself from the situation. I typically encourage people to start with the softest response. Maybe you acknowledge what they said with some sort of validation like “I know you’re worried about this” or “I know you really care” and then change the subject. For many the urge can be to say that you appreciate their advice or say thank you, even when you don’t appreciate it and you aren’t thankful. This will only reinforce that you want to hear more from them. Avoid it if you can. After you validate what they said, change the subject off of your loved one or the care that you provide.
If the validate and change topic tactic doesn’t work, you will need to be more direct. It is possible to be direct and kind at the sametime. Try saying something like “I know you really care, and this isn’t something that I am looking for advice on/answering questions about” and then change the subject.
Finally, if that doesn’t work you may need to say something even more firm like “I am not going to continue this conversation. Please respect this and change the subject.” And if they still continue or justify why it is ok, it is ok to walk away or remove yourself from the situation.
It isn’t easy or enjoyable to respond in this way, especially if your natural tendency is to be silent and let people tell or ask you whatever they think is necessary. It gets easier overtime, and you will be able to leave situations like this feeling more confident in yourself.
Resilience & Boundaries
This blog post only covers two challenging dynamics, but there are so many possible scenarios and situations that it would be impossible to cover everything. The two best things you can do is build your ability to be resilient prior to family gatherings and set boundaries.
Resilience is the ability to tolerate and overcome stressful situations and events and rebound quickly. We are best able to respond to stress when we are taking care of ourselves. If you want to learn more about resilience you can check out our two part blog series on what resilience is and how to improve your ability to be resilient.
We recommend spending some time in the days leading up to a family event and, if possible, the day of the event to make sure that your needs are met. Rest up, eat well, hydrate, get in some movement, connect with friends that ground you, journal, etc. Do the things that help you feel like the best version of yourself.
Much of the approach to handling unsolicited advice and questions is around setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is necessary in relationships. Many people feel that setting boundaries will ruin relationships, but in actuality they can strengthen them. You can read more about boundaries in a blog post about what boundaries are why they are necessary.
Family dynamics can be so challenging and not all of them can be remedied. Sometimes a boundary that needs to be set is that you won’t engage or participate in certain gatherings, conversations, or be around specific family members. If you find yourself in that position we feel for you. We have been there and we know how hard and sad it can be.
We hope that you find this post helpful as you gather with your family. We would love to hear from you and share in your success in navigating the challenge of setting boundaries and caring for yourself as you address dynamics in your family. Send us a DM on Instagram or email us at info@caregivercollaborative.com.