Last month, we discussed the concept of parentification, a phenomenon also known as “parent-child” in which the typical family hierarchy between parent and child is disrupted and the roles of the parent and child are reversed. Children take on the role of emotional or practical caregiver, often fueled by circumstances such as mental or physical illness, addiction, death of a parent or sibling, financial hardship, or other challenging family circumstances.
For many families impacted by these types of challenges, having kids take on additional responsibilities is necessary for survival. When a family member is living with a disability, chronic illness, mental illness, or addiction – paid caregivers are often not an option. The economic growth of the past several years has resulted in a “care gap”, locking many families out of the paid care option due to rising costs and limited funding options.
And even if they could afford a caregiver, a 2017 study showed a shortage of paid caregivers. The pandemic has exacerbated staffing issues in these types of roles. With the increased shortage also comes an increase in cost – which reports suggest has risen by more than 8% pre-pandemic, and has only skyrocketed further since.
Estimates that the annual cost of a full-time home health aide now averages $52,624, exceeding the average cost of an assisted living facility.
Most families pay these costs out-of-pocket since Medicaid and other insurance pays agencies less than private pay rates, resulting in many agencies refusing to even take Medicaid.
The financial implications only serve to increase family stress as they are forced to make difficult decisions to care for their loved ones. For this, and many other reasons, the CDC has identified caregivers and caregiver health as a strategic priority for outreach, education, and reform. Several state and federal policy proposals aim to close the “care gap” and make solutions for those who need it more accessible.
But what’s happened in the meantime is that most families living with these challenges are forced to make the difficult decision to have their children step in and provide some type of care.
3 Tips for How Parents Can Avoid Parentification of Their Kids (or minimize its impact):
I’ll admit that I sometimes wonder if it’s possible in the United States for parents with disabilities, chronic illness, or other challenges to completely avoid parentification of children living in their house. Even if you can afford paid caregivers or other luxuries that may make it easier for families to not engage their kids in things like bathing or toileting, the reality is that circumstances often require kids to grow up more quickly than their peers. That said, there are a few things that families in these situations can do to avoid, or at least minimize, parentification of kids.
- Reassure your child: remind your child that whatever the circumstance, it’s not their fault – or their responsibility. Developmentally, children’s brains often internalize the feelings of those around them. It’s common for them to see things happening to their parents, siblings, close friends, or other important people in their lives and think they directly influenced or impacted the situation.
It’s important to reassure children that they didn’t cause their parent’s disability (or illness, or other challenging circumstance). Often, children will want to take on the responsibility by helping you or the family. Giving them age-appropriate tasks may help them feel like they are contributing, while keeping them from taking on more than they can handle.
Reassure your child that you are taking care of the concerns or stressors as the parent. Encourage your child to focus on their responsibilities such as school or chores or to engage in play/social activities. - Be careful not to make remarks that make kids think they need to grow up too soon: When parents experience some kind of big change, like sudden illness or disability, death, or even divorce – adults often make remarks like “you’re going to need to step up now”, or “you’re the man of the house now”. These remarks, intentionally or unintentionally, encourage kids to think they need to grow up and take on adult responsibilities. Being careful to avoid making these types of comments around kids can give them freedom to just keep being kids.
- Don’t make children your confidant: If I had to choose the thing I see the most often in households where children have been parentified, it’s often the easiest for me to spot when I see that a parent has been confiding in their child. I understand how easy this can be. Kids are intuitive, and they know when the adults around them are struggling in some way. Parents typically don’t want to lie or withhold information, so they start confiding in their kids. They tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It might seem like this is the right call – kids do deserve to be clued into what’s going on for the adults around them. They deserve to know the truth of the situation, even if the truth is messy or hard. But there’s a fine line between telling kids the truth, and confiding in children.
Opening up too much to your child can overwhelm and burden them to problem-solve your situation or take on far more than necessary. Instead, try giving your kids just enough information to help them feel more at ease, and reassure them that it’s not their responsibility to have all of the information or to solve your problems. Instead of confiding in your child, consider enlisting the help of a therapist, clergy member, close friend, or someone else who can help you deal with difficult feelings.
For example, let’s say that you’re having a particularly bad symptom day. You’re worried that your disease is progressing or that new symptoms may emerge. Your child may notice this and ask you about how you’re feeling. Try saying something like, “Mom is having a hard symptom day today. It’s sometimes hard for me on days like today to not feel scared or sad, and that’s okay. And it’s okay if that makes you feel scared or sad, too. When I’m scared or sad, I like to talk to [my therapist, friend, etc]. Do you want to talk to me about how your feeling? What do you do when you’re feeling this way?”
By acknowledging for kids that you do have something on your mind, but that it’s not their job to hold that information, you can reassure kids that you have things under control. It’s also a great opportunity to model for kids healthy ways to manage your feelings or emotions, and engage them in conversations about how they can manage their own.
BONUS TIP:
- Examine your own relationship with your parents: Whether you’re a caregiver yourself, are a parent living with a disability, illness, or other challenge, or just someone who stumbled upon this blog by accident, we can all benefit from taking some time to examine our own relationships with our parents, our attachment styles, and the impact this may have on our relationship with the young people in our lives.
Parentification has the potential for being an intergenerational process. Parentified children are more likely to turn around and parentify their own children. They may confide in their own kids, give them developmentally inappropriate tasks, or otherwise pass along their feelings and habits – intentionally or unintentionally – to their own kids. Taking some time to examine your own upbringing and develop new understandings of how you can avoid passing these types of behaviors along to your kids is an important step any parent should take as they consider how they want to raise their own kids.
For families living with challenges like disability, illness, or other circumstances, it may feel overwhelming to think about how you can help your kids avoid being impacted in negative ways. We hope these tips give you a great place to start thinking about how you want to engage (or not) your children in your care. We hope you also consider engaging professionals for yourself and your children to give everyone a safe space to process feelings and maintain their own well-being despite whatever challenges you may be faced with. We’re rooting for you and here to support you every step of the way!
