Putting legal and financial plans in place with your loved ones now allows you to express wishes for your future care and other decisions.
I was 6 weeks away from graduating college when my mom passed away. She had been sick for a long time, but her death was still a bit of a shock. When she first became ill, my mom was in her mid-40s. She had spent years helping care for my dad, who lives with MS. But they spent little time thinking about or planning for the worst.
I don’t blame them. It’s common for people to put off planning for their legal, financial, or healthcare needs in the future. She didn’t have a healthcare directive, hadn’t left my dad a list of bank account information or bills coming due, and her information about insurance benefits was a bit of a hassle to track down. My family did their best to make decisions about the end of her life in a way that honored what we did know, but were still left feeling unsure of our choices. After her death, it was overwhelming for everyone to put the puzzle pieces of her financial and legal life into place while we were also grieving.
Fast forward to last month, when my grandmother passed away. My grandma, having dealt with the death of my grandfather from cancer in the 90s and the death of my mother 12 years ago, knew to think ahead. She had clear wishes for how her life would end, and was able to tell us all exactly what she wanted. Her financial and legal wishes were in writing, and she made sure to put all of her documents in one easily accessible spot for my aunt to find. The peace of mind that came with this level of organization meant we could spend her final days and the time that came after it largely focused on being with family and executing the plans she left for us.
We can’t plan for everything. But I’m here to tell you that taking the time now to get organized around your future can be incredibly empowering and helps ensure your wishes are met. The sooner you can establish legal plans and document your healthcare wishes, the better.
I spent the last several weeks trying to figure out how to sum up the things I’ve learned for other caregivers to help you to know how to best plan your future. I won’t pretend to be an expert in estate planning, or even in planning for various healthcare decisions you may be faced with. I also won’t pretend to have it all figured out myself. It’s been a learning experience for me, and I’m hoping that sharing a few things with you now will set you up to have a good plan in place for the inevitable day you’re faced with tough healthcare and end-of-life decisions.
TIPS FOR CAREGIVERS (OR ANYONE) LOOKING TO PLAN FOR THEIR FUTURES:
1. Consider your values.
Before we can get started thinking about the worst case scenario of our futures, I’ve found it’s best to sit down and think about your values. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, but one thing that’s worked for me is to take some time to take time with yourself and with your loved ones to think about what you value most. For me, this started with grabbing a piece of paper and answering questions like:
- What does a good day look like for you?
- Who supports you when you’re having a hard time?
- What matters most to you when you think about the end of your life?
Better understanding your values will help you as you decide what makes sense for you in the end of your own life.
2. Put it in writing & share your wishes with trusted family or friend
Once you’ve got a grasp on your values, it’s time to put things in writing and share your wishes with your family and friends. This isn’t the easiest conversation to start, but one that I think is so necessary. Start by choosing a time when those you want to talk to are likely to be open to having this conversation. You might start the conversation by saying “Even want to talk to you about some things that matter to me when it comes to my care”, or “I need your help, and this isn’t going to be an easy conversation, but I’m hoping we can talk about my wishes and priorities toward the end of my life”.
You may also want to discuss:
- Your fears, concerns, or things you’re worried about when it comes to the end of your life.
- Who you do or do not want to involve in your healthcare.
- The kids of treatments you may or may not want (for example, resuscitation attempts, ventilation, feeding tubes, etc.)
- If your health condition changes, when would it be okay for you to shift from trying to cure an illness versus trying to enjoy the rest of your life as much as possible?
Again, these aren’t easy conversations, but understanding these things during a time when you’re in a relatively healthy mental and physical space is much easier than waiting until there’s an emergency, or worse – when you can no longer make these decisions for yourself.
If you need some help getting started planning, many healthcare systems have templates you can use to document your wishes. Most of them will also take copies to keep on file to help guide your care should you ever become unable to provide information on your own. Speak to your healthcare provider to find out if these resources are available for you, and make copies to share with those closest to you so they can understand your wishes as well.
3. Consult with legal experts to get a plan in place
In a perfect world, we’d all be able to consult a lawyer who could walk you through all of the difficult decisions you may have to make. What do you want to happen to your house? Your car? Insurance policies? If you have children, who will take care of them if you pass before they turn 18? Do you want to document a healthcare proxy to make decisions for you if you’re unable to do so? If so, they can help you put this in place. If this is something you can do, I highly recommend you take advantage of legal expertise to get a detailed plan in place, and then make sure copies are accessible for those closest to you to find.
In the event you can’t afford a pricey lawyer, I’ve found the world of Instagram and Podcasts to be extremely helpful in my learning. I’ve also consulted with folks who’ve been through these difficult times and learned from their experience.
A few things I’ve taken away:
- Making plans clear and ensuring your loved ones are on the same page can help them avoid probate or other legal battles over your assets. Whenever possible, put things in writing. If you can, get them notarized. It might not hold up 100% of the time, but it can often help settle disputes over what you would have wanted.
- Consider all of your assets, and do your research. For example, in many states you can file a quitclaim deed on your home. A quitclaim deed releases your interest in your property to another person easily and without a lot of other hoops to jump through. Be sure to check your state’s process, for example, in Minnesota you must complete this form in order to file a quitclaim in your county.
- Other assets, like cars, also have their own rules. Several factors determine the process for transferring car ownership after the original owner dies. Rules will vary state by state. No matter what state you’re in, you’ll need to transfer ownership in order to do almost any other type of transaction with the vehicle. Most insurance companies have good information, like this article I found from Progressive. You can also bring copies of the documents, including the death certificate and vehicle title, to your local DMV and ask them to assist you in understanding your best options.
- For more information about planning for the end, I highly recommend checking out Jen Gumbel at Organized Afterlife. Jen’s extremely knowledgeable about all things estate planning and truly a wealth of knowledge. I’ve been listening to her podcast and following her on Instagram, but she also recently released a workshop on estate planning! I haven’t signed up yet, but I’m seriously considering it. If you check it out, let me know how it is.
4. Make a death box
I know it sounds weird, and as much as I’d really like to have a good amount of time to plan for the end of my life, the reality is that we could all die at any given moment. When we do, it would be nice to know that I didn’t leave behind a mess for my family to clear up.
I’ve been slowly working on pulling one together for my husband and I, and am hoping to help my dad put one together too, especially now that he’s retired and has plenty of time to work on it 🙂
The idea of a death box is pretty simple. It’s one spot where your loved ones can find all of the things that will make the end of your life and the execution of your plans as easy as possible.
Don’t like the idea of calling it a death box? Consider the fact that it could come in handy in a variety of other situations. For example, you’re out of the country and something comes up that you need someone back home to take care of. Or maybe you end up hospitalized for any amount of time, even for something not particularly serious, but you need people to know where to find important documents to help you while you’re not able to get to these things. Or even in the case of disaster, like a house fire or severe weather – putting your documents in a waterproof, fireproof safe can help ensure that you’ll be able to access things like deeds to your house, insurance information, and other documents in the aftermath. Having them all in one place is such a huge help.
Consider including things like insurance information, bank accounts, passwords, deeds to your house or car, and other information someone would need to know to take care of business when you’re not able to do so yourself.
The “death box” could be digital or physical. If you choose digital, pick a platform like Dropbox or Google that stores your information in an encrypted format. If you’re like me and enjoy physical copies of things, grab a box and some files and get to work. It doesn’t need to be fancy, but I like a fireproof, locked box for ours. I linked below to some similar items to what we’ve been working with:
- Fireproof Box: https://amzn.to/45KGEoL
- Hanging File Folders: https://amzn.to/3Cet67u
- File Folders: https://amzn.to/3CeHg8A
- Labels: https://amzn.to/3IXphHB
5. Review your plan & Update it frequently
You put in the work. You had tough conversations, you documented your wishes, and you created the death box. You’re all done! Right?
Not exactly. As most caregivers are well aware, things change when we least expect it. It’s important for our plans to reflect current reality. Did one of your insurance beneficiaries pass away? You’ll need to choose new beneficiaries. Did you have a child? You’ll want to consider how this might affect your plans. If you’ve moved, bought a new vehicle, took out a new loan, or made any other large financial change, you’ll want to store those documents and determine a plan for what happens to them.
The other thing to consider is that your healthcare wishes may change. Maybe you watched someone close to you deal with a health condition in way that changed your perspective on how you’d ideally deal with similar conditions. Or perhaps your views changed as you got older. No matter why, you’ll want to be sure you document these changes as well.
Caregiver, I know thinking about and planning for the future can be overwhelming. But taking the time now to determine your values and make a plan can come with such peace of mind for you and your loved ones.
I hope this encourages you to take some time to get started! We look forward to sharing more on this topic in the future!
Caring for you,
Erin