Recently, I was going through a tough time where I was feeling really overwhelmed by life. The demands of my time were pulling me in a thousand directions. I was barely keeping all the balls in the air as it was, and then my husband got sick. It ended up not being serious and he recovered after a few days. But in the process, my tightly packed, carefully orchestrated schedule was thrown off. Suddenly I was missing deadlines, forgetting to text friends back, and generally struggling to keep up with life. I felt like a failure, and kept telling myself, “I should be able to handle all of this.”
After a week of feeling like I just couldn’t catch up, it was time for me to take a hard look at my priorities. I sat down and wrote out all of the things on my list of things I was responsible for, and all of the things I felt like I should be doing, but wasn’t.
If you’re here because you’re a friend or family member of mine, then you likely already know how this exercise went. I’m known as the one who signs up for everything. I would be rich if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard Laura say to me after I tell her I signed up for something new, “Because you didn’t have enough going on already?” or have her tease me for how difficult it is to align our schedules – largely because of my list of my commitments..
I fill up just about every waking hour of my week with work, volunteer activities, social gatherings, and projects. If I get asked to take something on or attend an outing and I have the time open on my calendar (and sometimes even if I don’t) , I’ll jump at the chance, carefully crafting my calendar to fit just one more thing into the day. I have a tough time saying no, especially to things I feel like I should be doing. And when I do say no, I feel guilty.
“If I don’t go to this networking event, I’ll fall behind in my career.”
“If I don’t help my dad with this, who will?”
“If I take a day off, we won’t meet our goals.”
“[Someone else] manages to handle all of these things, so I should be able to, too.”
You can see how this can quickly become problematic. Even minor changes or crises can throw my entire schedule into a frenzy. I’m already often running from one activity to another, barely meeting deadlines, and rarely taking the time to rest or do nothing. In the house of cards I’ve built my schedule out of, it doesn’t take much for the whole thing to fall apart.
Over the past few years, I’ve gotten better about trying to build time into my schedule to take a break. I’m working on saying no to things that don’t serve me. But it’s become apparent that some of that has fallen by the wayside. I have more on my plate than ever before. And as I sat down to rearrange my schedule and negotiate deadlines, it became clear – the vast majority of what’s on my plate right now is there because I couldn’t say no. Because I wasn’t asking myself what was in my best interest, but rather what is in the best interest of others that I care about or what’s in the best interest of my career. And I also realized that boundaries are a daily practice for me, not just a thing I can assume will come without intention.
The last time I had this realization I was in grad school. You can imagine that earning two Master’s Degrees in three years and working was a wild time in my life. I started taking advantage of the free counseling services on campus, and it was life changing. One of the best things I learned during my time with the amazing counselor I worked with was that I had never really learned how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Saying no wasn’t a skill I had in my toolbelt. Asking myself if this was what I truly wanted was not a practice I routinely participated in.I had gotten so good at building my identity around being a Type A, perfectionist, ‘count on me for anything’ person. I was a classic people pleaser.
And the more I talk to other caregivers, particularly female caregivers, I’m convinced that I’m not unique. Study after study, and anecdolatal evidence, suggests that young caregivers often experience blurred lines between parent and child growing up. Adolescents who grow up in homes where the boundaries between parents and children are blurred or nonexistent often struggle with setting boundaries in other areas of their life. They’re more likely to experience depression, anxiety, feel overwhelmed and resentful, experience burnout, display aggressive or hostile behavior, and the list goes on. And for girls, it also brings an even longer list of consequences. As these adolescents grow up and become adults, they often struggle to set boundaries in other areas of their life.
What are boundaries anyways?
Boundaries are a healthy part of any relationship. A boundary is the line you draw between you and the other person. WIthout boundaries, you don’t get the chance to learn to grow as an individual, to understand your own wants and needs, and how to support yourself.
Boundaries can fall into many categories, such as physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, financial, time, spiritual, and religious.
Boundaries can look like:
- Saying no (without explanation)
- Turning down an invitation.
- Putting yourself first.
- Asking for space.
- Sticking up for yourself.
- Privacy.
- Choosing how you spend your own time.
If you’re a caregiver, you probably already know how difficult it can be to set these types of boundaries and to feel like you deserve to enforce them. But that just makes it all the more important. We often feel like our loved ones are counting on us, and there’s no one else who can help. And many of us are also working on building careers, families, and finding balance in other areas of our life.
So, why do boundaries matter?
Boundaries allow us to focus on who we are and become our authentic selves. It allows us to ask ourselves what it is we really want to do instead of constantly doing things others want us to do. As caregivers, it can be so easy to lose ourselves in our role and make caregiving our entire identity, and this can spill into other areas of our life. Boundaries help us make decisions about what feels best for us, about how to spend our time, when to say no, and when to ask for help. It is also a critical piece of avoiding burnout, helping us reduce those feelings of exhaustion or overwhelm. Good boundaries can help us choose where to put our energy, helping us to identify our values and priorities and build a life around those things.
What are good boundaries?
Good boundaries are both clear and flexible.They are a reflection of your values, take into account what is most important to you, and often need to consider the other person. In caregiving, this might mean you set boundaries around when or where you can help with certain types of activities.
Here’s 2 examples:
- A friend’s mom frequently calls her during the work day and gets annoyed when she isn’t available to talk. She finally had to set a boundary – she reminded her mom that their relationship is important and she’d love to talk to her, but she’s only available to talk after 5pm unless there is some kind of emergency.
- Another friend often gives his father a ride to appointments, but his father had started making a habit of asking for a ride at the last minute. He had to have a conversation with his father – he needs to know about appointments as soon as they are scheduled so he can make a plan in advance to give him a ride. Of course there are times when things will come up or change, but this allows him to plan most of the time. The dad agreed to this,and my friend is now much less resentful about helping his father in this way.
As caregivers, setting boundaries can sometimes be tricky, particularly if we’re the ones providing significant care for a loved one. In these cases, it’s helpful to work with your loved one to discuss the things they can and should do for themselves, and where you can provide the most value. It’s also helpful to consider if there are other folks who can pitch in to help, including family, friends, neighbors, or paid assistance. Considering their needs and capabilities in these conversations is critical so you know where to best draw the line and ask for help.
How do I implement boundaries?
Boundaries only work if we communicate them! If you’re like me, this might be incredibly difficult. Some people will be resistant to your boundaries, particularly if you’ve had few boundaries for years and are suddenly making a chance. In order to implement our boundaries, I’ve found these tips to be helpful:
- Be consistent and clear. Simply saying “I need to take more time for myself” is vague and unlikely to work. Instead, try telling someone exactly when you will or will not be free and then stick to the schedule.
- Explain why. Talk about boundaries, what you’ve learned, why it’s important to you to do this, and why now.
- Be patient. It might take some time for others to adjust to your new boundaries. If they overstep, remind them of this boundary and then hold the line.
- Hold yourself accountable. It can be SO easy to let our boundaries get lax. As I’ve been working on building my boundaries back up, I’ve found it can be helpful for me to not only take a moment to ask myself “is this serving me”, but to also have a buddy who can help filter this for you if you’re struggling. For me, this might mean talking to my husband, texting my sister, or discussing with a friend.
For me, boundaries are a work in progress. In the past few weeks, I’ve had to take a hard look at my commitments and relationships and spend some time reprioritizing. I’ve said no to a few opportunities I was tempted to say yes to. I’ve started wrapping up some things I was working on in hopes of handing them off. I’ve decided to take some time away from a volunteering opportunity because it just wasn’t filling my cup the way I had hoped it would. These are all tough things, but I’m slowly starting to feel relief from the anxiety and overwhelm that come from not holding myself to good boundaries.
If this is something you struggle with too, I hope you’ll join me in taking a hard look inward and recommiting or setting new boundaries. I hope you find ways to bring more balance and be the best version of yourself, because you deserve it.
In solidarity,
Erin
